Split Personality

The challenge of being an independent young woman is the fear that if we are empowered and strong we will be single for our entire lives.

Now maybe I’m speaking for myself, but also maybe I am not.

Around 16 years old I was a firecracker, knew what I wanted, how I wanted it, and when I wanted it. I did what I wanted and it didn’t matter the opinions or judgements of others.

Until.
Yes, until.
Until one day I met a boy, a boy who I felt things for, weird emotions and sensations I’d never experienced before. and I for the first time in my life, no longer knew what I wanted, I started to wonder what he would want instead.

Ahhh, teenage infatuation.

Slowly but surely I lost my voice, became a doormat, the way all happy girls should be right? Now I’m not saying that every relationship is this way, or that every girl is this way. BUT for girls who are independent and self driven, but raised not to be, it’s still a problem.

We are told that happy girls are married with kids. Taking care of their kids and their husband, they’re well behaved woman who dress appropriately, keep their legs closed, and don’t argue with their place.

They are shown their happiness.

Yes we have come a long way because now young women are in a constant state of turmoil, we no longer just have one way of “being”. We are stuck thinking how we “should be”, but trying to follow our heart because strong independent women are more accepted in society now, right?
Right. In the working world, maybe slightly. Not so much in relationships.

So we are still stuck halfway wanting to “settle down and be happy already”, while the other half of us wants to run wild.

Women who stand, (keyword) unhappily  in this place of domestication look down on the women who don’t want that life. And men who are not 350% confident in themselves and their ability to be a “man” are attracted to this woman, but soon become fearful of her ungodly ways, thinking she may run off and break their heart.

So we are lead to believe we are slutty, easy, immature, unfaithful, dirty, childish and disgusting with no morals or goals in our lives.

This constantly being thrown down our throats leads most of us to the conclusion that we should stop being free and should instead become a small person to allow others to feel big in our presence.

I tried to domesticate myself to that lifestyle, became a slug, a small little creature that waited for others to tell me how to live my life. I became this person who couldn’t even make her own decision, I would wait on other people to make decisions for me.

How on earth did I get to this mental state?

By trying to be a “good girl”.

When in fact I am not. I want to argue, I want to go bra-less, I want to sleep with who I want when I want, I want to try new things, I want to explore, I want to move around, I want to experience life how I want, I want my own business, my own career, I don’t want to be codependent. I want a family, I want happiness and I want freedom.

Now all of these things are relative to every person reading this because we all want different things, and all these “things” mean different things to each of us.

Get it? Good.

We feel like we have to choose between one or the other that we cannot be this independent strong woman and have a happy family.

 

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